By P Mutuma
If you want to know how emotionally mature a person is… tell them how they have hurt you.
Their response will tell you exactly what you need to know. Emotional maturity isn’t found in how well someone pretends to be kind when things are easy it shows up in how they respond when they are confronted with their own behavior. A person who is capable of empathy, reflection, and accountability will listen. They may not be perfect, but they will care that they hurt you.
They’ll try to understand your perspective instead of dismissing it, and they’ll want to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.
On the other hand, an emotionally immature person or worse, a narcissist will twist your pain into an attack. Instead of listening, they’ll deflect, deny, gaslight, or minimize what you’re feeling. They may accuse you of being too sensitive, dramatic, or “crazy.” They’ll shift the blame back onto you, making your hurt a weapon against you. Their goal isn’t healing or understanding; it’s protecting their fragile ego at all costs.
That’s why this one simple moment—telling someone how they’ve hurt you—becomes the ultimate test of character. A mature person values the relationship enough to take accountability, to learn, and to grow. They see your vulnerability as a chance to connect more deeply. An immature person, however, only sees it as a threat to their image.
Pay attention to their response. Do they get defensive? Do they attack you in return? Do they shut you down, change the subject, or walk away? Or do they pause, take in your words, and genuinely acknowledge your feelings? The difference reveals everything about who they truly are beneath the surface.
Remember this: love without accountability is not love it’s control. Respect without empathy is not respect it’s performance. And connection without emotional maturity is nothing but an illusion. When someone shows you they cannot face the truth of how their actions affect you, believe them. They’re telling you everything you need to know about their capacity to love, to grow, and to truly honor.
